ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. DESPITE ZARDOZ’S SUPERIOR ADVICE, THE BRUTAL “DEAR ABBY” HAS NOT BEEN CLEANSED FROM HER COLUMN. THUS ZARDOZ RETURNS TO ADVISE HIS CHOSEN ONES IN A MANNER SUPERIOR TO THAT OF THE BRUTAL.

Q: DEAR ABBY: I’m 28 and have been dating my boyfriend, “Spencer,” for 2 1/2 years. We have talked a lot about getting married. We know where we want it to be, who will be in our wedding party and what the theme will be.

A year ago we discussed getting engaged. Spencer said he’d propose “sometime within the next year” and last spring it seemed like he was working up the courage to do it. (He was talking about how happy he was and what he was seeing for our future). Then his best friend got his girlfriend pregnant and told Spencer he was thinking about proposing to her. After that, the idea of us getting married went on the back burner. Spencer stopped talking about us, and I think the reason was he didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. (It’s why he said he didn’t want to get engaged when his sister was getting married.)

How do I bring up the subject without coming off as pushy or selfish? A lot of our friends are in committed relationships. If we put our lives on hold every time one of them gets engaged, we’ll be waiting years before it’s our turn and we can start a family. I’d appreciate any advice you might have. — READY TO MOVE FORWARD

A: BRUTAL, YOU ARE GETTING PLAYED. MUST ZARDOZ REMIND YOU, ONCE AGAIN, THE PENIS IS EVIL! IF HE WILL NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL WITH YOU, IT IS TIME TO DEPART. SINCE YOU APPEAR TO BE TOO INDECISIVE TO PUSH THINGS ALONG, YOU WILL BE PROVIDED WITH THE PROPER MOTIVATION…TO PUSH A STICK AS A GRAIN SLAVE TO THE VORTEX. NOW YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR FUTURE. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

NO WEDDING PLANNING NEEDED.

 

Q: DEAR ABBY: I am 28 and I’m disgusted with myself about how I talk to my mother when I’m stressed out. I know it’s not her. It’s me.

My other issue is road rage. When I’m behind the wheel and the cars ahead of me are going too slow or the drivers make stupid moves, I’m annoyed to the point that I sometimes take risky chances to get away from them. I know it puts my life and the lives of others at risk, and I don’t want to be like this.

I sometimes wonder why my parents didn’t teach me ways to tone down my anger when I was younger. I’m lucky they still love me, even when I snap at them. Do you have any tips on how to control my temper? — SIMMERING IN SUBURBIA

A: ZARDOZ KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. KEEP THE RAGE, AND CHANNEL IT INTO A USEFUL PURPOSE. THE USEFUL PURPOSE IS BEING A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR FOR ZARDOZ. ZED WILL SWING BY AND DROP OFF THE EMPLOYMENT FORMS AND OTHER HR PAPERWORK. WELCOME ABOARD. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

YOUR NEW CO-WORKERS

P.S. STOP GOING TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH YOUR MOTHER – THAT WAY SHE WON’T BE EXPOSED TO YOUR ANGER. AND WOULD IT KILL YOU TO WRITE TO HER ONCE IN A WHILE? JUST SEND A CARD OR SOME FLOWERS?

 

Q: DEAR ABBY: My husband has a long, bushy, ugly beard, and although I don’t like it, I realize he’s entitled to wear his facial hair any way he likes it. The problem is, when he eats, his beard gets into his plate and in the food, which I find nauseating. — TOO MUCH HAIR IN TEXAS

A: ZARDOZ FORBIDS FACIAL HAIR, OTHER THAN ZED’S POWERFUL MUSTACHE.

APPROVED FACIAL HAIR

SHAVE YOUR BRUTAL HUSBAND’S BEARD OFF AND INK IN A SUBSTITUTE:

CLOSE ENOUGH FOR BRUTAL WORK

SHOULD HE OBJECT – CLEANSE HIM. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.