No funny intros or lead-ups, no frills. We just noticed the Sloopy situation, led to the scene of the crime by an overwhelming scent of urine puddles and the moaning of someone of indeterminate gender. So… while the EMTs and cops do their thing, let’s get down to business.

Besides the obvious anniversary, today is also the birthday of O. Henry, one of the under-appreciated gems of American letters, Ed Reed, who redefined “safety,” and Dylan Klebold, who re-invigorated Michael Moore’s career with his novel use of a trench coat.

On to news.

California never disappoints.

All of California’s electricity will come from clean power sources by 2045 under legislation signed by Gov. Jerry Brown on Monday, the latest in a series of ambitious goals set by the state to combat the effects of climate change.

The bill narrowly passed the Legislature last month after nearly two years of debate over cost and feasibility concerns. Opponents argued that pushing fossil fuels out of the electricity grid within three decades wasn’t possible, and efforts to do so would lead to higher electric bills across the state.

Last month, state regulators released a report showing climate change would lead to deadlier heat waves, more consistent wildfires and higher sea levels in the coming decades than previously believed.

Because we always believe reports by regulators which show the urgent need of… more regulation. Coming up next: subsidies for the millions of Californians that won’t be able to afford the new, higher rates. or perhaps, the Let Them Eat Cake Act of 2047, which is hailed as a means of enforcing virtuous sacrifice.

Old Crazy Uncle also never disappoints.

Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) on Monday renewed his attacks against Amazon, sharing videos on Twitter that accuse the company of using “Orwellian language.”

“Listen to how Amazon uses its own lingo to blur the distinction between billionaire CEO Jeff Bezos and the average Amazon employee making minimum wage, according to journalist @J_Bloodworth,” Sanders tweeted as he shared one of the videos.

I take seriously the guy who was kicked out of a hippie commune for being too lazy. But as someone who has demonstrated the ways to get rich from leeching off taxpayers, he has taught us all much. After all, some animals are more equal than others, amirite Comrade? By the way, does the average Amazon employee make minimum wage?

Of course, there’s understandable outrage that our news media is being attacked for dishonesty. That’s just so unfair. And so untrue. Ohhhhh, wait…

Recently, another Houston Chronicle journalist flagged me with questions about the accuracy of a story written by veteran Austin reporter Mike Ward. Ward joined the Chronicle in 2014 after a long career with the Austin American-Statesman. Specifically, questions were raised about whether individuals quoted in one of his stories were real people. Our own researchers, after an initial review, had difficulty finding a number of sources cited in Ward’s most recent reports.

Ward has insisted that his work was truthful, that his work involved real people, and that we would eventually find the individuals behind his “man-on-the-street” interviews. However, given the questions this review raised, he offered to resign and I accepted that resignation last week.

Oops.

When asked why I chose science as a career, I think of the important knowledge that we uncover, our deeper understanding of the universe, our contributions to the welfare of mankind. Here’s an example.

In a 24-hour period all the flatus they expelled was collected via a rectal catheter (ouch). They ate normally but to ensure a boost in gas production they also had to eat 200 grams (half a large can) of baked beans.

The participants produced a median total volume of 705 millilitres of gas in 24 hours, but it ranged from 476 millilitres to 1,490 millilitres per person. Hydrogen gas was produced in the greatest volume (361 millilitres over 24 hours), followed by carbon dioxide (68 millilitres per 24 hours). Only three adults produced methane, which ranged from 3 millilitres per 24 hours to 120 millilitres per 24 hours. The remaining gases, thought to mostly be nitrogen, contributed about 213 millilitres per 24 hours.

Men and women produced about the same amount of gas and averaged eight flatus episodes (individual or a series of farts) over 24 hours. The volume varied between 33 and 125 millilitre per fart, with bigger amounts of intestinal gas released in the hour after meals.

Your tax dollars at work.

Some Old Guy Music to wrap up. Roots, the real thing.