The big astrological news this week is the infamous MERCURY RETROGRADE. So you know, chaos, gremlins, dogs and cats living together, bad made-for-TV-movies, all that sort of thing.

However, the fortunate thing is that Ceres (in Leo) went station direct by the time you read this, so if you’ve been having difficulties with griddle-cooked breads (pancakes, crepes, tortillas, crumpets etc.), this week you should have better results.

Jupiter (planet of rulership, happiness and good fortune) has been retrograde for a while and will remain so until July tenth or thenabouts, so expect about four more months of general political wackiness. But this week, we get a Sun-Mars-Jupiter alignment (in Scorpio-Pisces-Capricorn respectively), so expect a military fuckup on a rather grand scale. This relates to an existing war, so don’t misread this as [insert boogeyman here] starting WWIII.

That Mercury-Venus conjunction in Ares? This week, the sun joins them, energizing everything and making this week the Best. Week. Eva… You know what, this joke has gotten really played out. This is the problem with astrology – the planets move SO GODDAMNED SLOWLY that you’ve got the same fucking thing set up week after week, and it just gets BORING. This is why professional fortune tellers are all alcoholics. You’ve got to constantly come up with new gibberish to keep the suckers clients coming in, and that imagination needs a lot of lubrication.

Where were we? Oh, yes. Something NEW. This week we do have that. The moon is in Cancer, which–being the ruler of that house–means we get that whole exaltation thing that gives you a +1 stacking bonus to secrets, emotions, variability, and horrible, incurable, terminal diseases.

A holdover from last week (sigh) is the conjunction of Mars and Saturn in Capricorn. Fighting for stupid reasons leads to loss. Not bad advice generally.