The ceremony to placate the Skunk Ape and keep the rapey cousin of STEVE SMITH raping anyone besides Florida Man was off to a rocky start. One of his minions had decided it was a good idea to give blood and go drinking before capturing the three key deer (one buck and two does) that every in-the-know Florida Man knows will keep the lesser rape-ape away. FM had planned to take a sail around the Caribbean and take his chances with SEA SMITH, even going so far as to bring in help from outside of the great state of Florida. But that didn’t work out, either. Now, there was only one way to be safe. It was obvious to Florida Man that he would have to fall back and petition ZARDOZ, who he knew to have some substance abuse problems, to go to STEVE SMITH directly. Florida Man decidedly did not want to gain the attention of a giant flying head that thought FM’s favorite organ was evil, but… hey. Guns were fun to shoot, and FM knew plenty of brutals.
FM started out his petition in a way crafted to get ZARDOZ’s attention:
Dear Prudence,
I am afraid that the Skunk Ape will come and rape me. I tried to give the traditional offering, but was unable to do so. Can you please tell me how to keep my rectum in some sort of shape other than “gang raped to death”. I have plenty of brutals and plenty of guns.
Sincerely,
Florida Man
Florida Man may have left out some details. An angry voodoo priest with a discriminatory attitude towards Puerto Ricans. Some previous predation by Skunk Ape. It also appeared that maybe some of FM’s minions might have had, er, less than completely voluntary intercourse with some monkeys who worshiped Skunk Ape in their own fashion. Although, to FM’s way of thinking, the aggressive herpes simplex that resulted from those couplings should be its own punishment. Those were not important. What was really important was not having to have his rectum reconstructed by some guy who did two years of veterinary training at Southeast Hispaniola Junior College. Which, not to insult residents of the island of Hispaniola, is not exactly like getting it redone by the guy who does the asshole tightening on wealthy South Beach clients who are into that stuff. Florida Man might once have insulted that man’s work and been overheard.
There’s a skunk ape “research headquarters”? Good Lord.
At least you can kill the rape-squatch with a gun because it’s supposed to be a regular animal. Imagine how much worse it would be if it were an ass-raping demon.
“Its nocturnal attacks can comprise simple physical assault and/or poltergeist-like phenomena; but most feared is sexual assault and the anal sodomising of men and women.”
At least its an equal opportunity ass-raping demon.
It means they don’t have any culture-war bullshit over trans issues.
Victim: “Don’t rape me, I’m actually a dude who identifies as a chick!”
Demon, continuing to undo his trousers and prepare for rape: “Oh I’m well aware.”
Oh I am well aware,
and I don’t care,
Your ass…prepare!
Burma Shave
Victim: “Don’t rape me, I’m actually a dude who identifies as a chick!”
IT DOESN’T MATTER you’re actually a dude who identifies as a chick — Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
a skunk ape “research headquarters”?
Well… it’s really just a meth lab, but that’s as scientific as FM gets.
The Skunk Ape is drawn to Meth. Why do you think it’s seen mostly in that region?
Seems like just desserts for FM’s predation on barnyard animals.
I’ve been telling you people, you aren’t making full use of food animals if you aren’t having sex with them! What do you think they mean when they say Indians used every part of the animal?!?
When they say that, they are making inaccurate statements. It wasn’t until the industrialized slaughterhouses of the 19th century that we reached the level of efficiency that was described as “Used every part but the squeal”.
+1 gallon of “pink slime”.
I usually don’t quibble over minor errors in the articles, but this is categorized as “fiction” at the top of the page.
The main page pic has some disturbing similarities to the new Obama portrait, don’t you think?
My reaction to the official portraits “Childish quality of work and completely fails to resemble reality. Perfect summation of the Obama presidency”
Like this.
Which ones Michelle and which one’s Barry?
*narrows gaze*
The Adam’s apple is really well executed, I thought.
I like the way the eyes on the bust point in different directions even more than the deranged grin.
That makes me crack up every time I see it.
WaPo has a piece about how perfect they are for the Obamas…and therefore, America. I only skimmed it and I nearly barfed.
RC: in response to your question on the last thread: “I’ve got a Macbook at work and run Excel and Word with no problems. Some of the menu items are in different places or work a little differently but not a big deal IMO.”
I googled the two artists… they received exactly what they should have expected.
No payment whatsoever? Extensive ridicule? A box filled with SEMTEX? Don’t leave us in suspense.
Participation trophies. First x does y embarrasses all involved.
*considers Deathworld sendup involving Florida Man, Florida fauna, and methamphetamines*
Come on – if you are going to do Deathworld, look no further than Australia!
I wouldn’t want to step on George Miller’s toes.
Why? Has he mutated into some form of Australian Fauna with venomous toenails?
It’s the disemboweling dewclaw you’ve got to watch for.
The ones that irritate me is when they take away a modern accomplishment to attribute it to some ancient culture.
“Mayans looked at the sky, so screw Galileo.”
Hmm. Should be a reply to waterfall insurance.
STEVE SMITH NEEDS TO SHAVE AND VISIT GLADES FOR SOME BOG SEX
Bacon!!!
Eggs!!!
Muffins!!!
no Pie?
Any time of day is a good time for pie.
Bacon!
Mmmm… Bacon Pie.
Regal drollery
Calling himself an “impatient” subject who doesn’t “like posing,”
Thus sayeth the world class poseur.
“Don’t sell yourself short, Judge. You’re tremendous slouch.”
I’m gonna keep harping on this today. CNN/MSNBC/Whoever else is having wet dreams about the absolute State power in NK are reprehensible pieces of shit. I vote for Chris Cuomo to spend a week in one of these Nork death camps. Since it’s against my personal code of conduct to wish death on others, I go with my standard refrain; may they get severe C. diff and first realize it in an important meeting with executives.
https://twitchy.com/samj-3930/2018/02/12/brutal-thread-featuring-illustrations-by-former-north-korean-prisoners-kicks-media-right-in-the-teeth/
Yeah well people die in police custody in Amerikkka all the time too!
Well how is this any different from Rethuglikkkans wanting to steal healthcare from pregnant women by cutting funding to Planned Parenthood? /progderp
Progs from coast to coast begin furiously fapping/schlicking at the prospect of anthrax attacks against the Trump family.
https://twitchy.com/sarahd-313035/2018/02/12/holy-sht-report-donald-trump-jr-s-wife-hospitalized-after-opening-envelope-containing-white-powder/
Will the networks be falling all over themselves to apologize like this for sucking Lil’ Kim’s miniscule dick?
https://nypost.com/2018/02/11/nbc-dumps-olympic-analyst-amid-fury-at-korea-japan-comment/
Surprising (to me) heresy at The Hill:
In all of the discussions about the political weaponization of the Department of Justice (DOJ) and the FBI, alleged corruption at the highest echelons of those agencies and serial abuse of the secret FISA process surrounding the 2016 election, one name has been conspicuously absent: President Barack Obama.
High-ranking officials and other major players in those agencies — which Obama oversaw — are increasingly embroiled in the growing scandal: James Comey, Loretta Lynch, Andrew McCabe, Andrew Weissmann, Sally Yates, Peter Strzok, Lisa Page, Bruce Ohr.
Given the tight control Obama exercised over every part of his administration and agenda, the idea that any of these appointees and loyalists freelanced their activities without at least his tacit approval or that of his White House strains credulity.
————–
It’s increasingly apparent that these recently exposed abuses of power served two ostensible purposes: to secure Hillary Clinton’s candidacy by shielding her from prosecution stemming from the use of her unauthorized private server, and to derail the candidacy and presidency of Donald Trump.
But something else, something more profound, drove their efforts: their urgency to preserve what Obama once called “the fundamental transformation of the nation” — a grand project much bigger than Obama himself or any other single figure. He largely fulfilled the long-held progressive ambition of changing the nation’s course, only to see Trump threaten to change it once again: not to return it to where it was pre-Obama, but to smash the corrupt existing order that had made their progressive advances possible.
Obama and the leftist movement over which he has presided could not tolerate a reversal of their gains (by Trump, no less!), so they got to work.
Naming the one who must always be hidden behind the curtain.
The Opinion section runs the gamut on The Hill. This piece is by Monica Crowley, so the content is not surprising.
NYT: Mass-murder apologizing piece of shit fish wrap for decades!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buried_by_the_Times
Fuck the entire journalistic profession for this and their supine position toward the Total State. Relocate your office to Pyongyang you worthless fucking wastes of biomatter.
(In case you can’t tell, I am pretty pissed off about this)
Just a wee bit.
What I don’t get is the people that think doing shit like this to virtue signal their dislike for the orange guy makes them totes cool. In their mind Trump is the bigger villain because he beat crooked Hillary, their horse, and upset their whole world. How fucking pathetic do you have to be to so affected?