“The most delicious thing I have ever seen.” -Stupid Whale

Pilot Whale Dies in Thailand After Being Found With 17 Pounds of Plastic Bags in Its Stomach

A male pilot whale struggled for five days to stay alive in Thailand near the Malaysian border after rescuers found it with 17 pounds of plastic bags in its stomach, the Washington Post reported on Sunday, but it ultimately succumbed to its illnesses.

The whale died on Friday, the Post wrote, and an autopsy discovered what Thailand’s Department of Marine and Coastal Resources said were 80 plastic bags lodged in its stomach.

I keep seeing this story all over the place and every time, I think: Stupid fucking whale. 80 plastic bags, whale? Did they taste good or something, whale? 80?!? You couldn’t have stopped after, say, 50 plastic bags, you stupid fucking whale?

It’s far from the first time whales have turned up sick or dead from ingesting trash. Per the Post, experts say that the whale likely believed the bags were food:

Thai officials said they believe the whale mistook the floating plastic for food. Pilot whales primarily eat squid but are also known to hunt octopus, cuttlefish and small fish when squid prove elusive, the American Cetacean Society said.

That excuses eating the occasional bag, like “Oh, no! I accidentally ate one of those mysterious dark green potato chips that are sometimes in the bag!” but 80? 80 fucking bags, whale? You sure are one dumb fuck of a whale.


“What’s worse than Insane Clown Posse?” is supposed to be a rhetorical question, not a life goal.

Least surprising story or leastest surprising story?

A Second Woman, Then 17, Accuses Riff Raff of Sexual Misconduct

After a Melbourne woman named Eliza Stafford wrote on Facebook that Houston rapper Riff Raff drugged and raped her at a 2013 show, his Australian tour was swiftly canceled. Riff Raff has yet to respond to Stafford’s allegation, and now a second woman alleges that the rapper tried to coerce her into sex when she was a minor.

In a phone call with Jezebel, 20-year-old Kelsey Doucette, who shared her story on Facebook on Friday, says that she met Riff Raff when she was 17 years old at the Milwaukee, Wisconsin stop of Warped Tour in July 2015. Doucette attended the tour with four friends, two of whom confirmed the details of her story with Jezebel. Contacts for Riff Raff’s management and booking did not respond to requests for comment for this story. A press contact for Warped Tour also did not respond to a request for comment.

Look, ma’am. I’m not going to say you are as stupid as a plastic-bag eating whale, but you were at a Riff Raff “concert.” You have already made a questionable life choice on par with having your eyeballs tattooed. And then you go off alone with the guy who looks like the picture of a rapist in a children’s book about rapists? There’s no good time to be had here. None. There is only molestation.

tl;dr Buy the women in your life all the bear mace you can find.

BONUS JEZEBEL CONTENT:

Curious Squid
6/04/18 9:25pm
It sounds like all her friends were teenagers too so I know I should give some leeway here, but I can’t help wondering what her male friends’ thoughts were when they were told “Oh….he doesn’t want any guys coming in the van, only the girls”. Like, this feels like it could be a teachable moment about how being a good dude isn’t just not being a bad dude, it’s looking out for your girl friends and standing up to potentially sketchy behaviour from other dudes.

Really? I thought the lesson here was “don’t get in the van with a guy who looks like a rapist.”


But they are so cute!

What Is Nipah, the Virus Spread by Bats That’s Killing People in India?

A deadly viral disease spread by bats is once again infecting humans, but in this case, it isn’t Ebola. As of June 1, an outbreak of the Nipah virus has infected at least 18 people and killed 17 in Kerala, India, the World Health Organization (WHO) reported. The outbreak, which is the first to hit South India, raises fears of the disease becoming more far-reaching.

Nipah was discovered in 1998, when it sickened nearly 300 people and killed 100 in Malaysia (its name was taken from one of the villages where it first struck). Many of the victims had been farmers who contracted the virus through close contact with their pigs, which led to the euthanization of millions of pigs. But it turns out the pigs actually got the virus from another animal: It’s now known that fruit bats belonging to the genus Pteropus (otherwise called flying foxes) are the native carriers of Nipah.

Not everyone exposed to Nipah gets sick, but those who do develop flu-like symptoms of fever, cough, and headache within three to 14 days after being exposed. Often, the illness gets worse quickly, with sufferers developing pneumonia, acute respiratory distress, or neurological symptoms like seizures and coma within a day or two. There’s no cure or specific treatment for Nipah, and its mortality rate can range from 40 to 100 percent.

I can only assume that the bats were having sex with the pigs. Really, nothing else makes sense.